Becoming a Parent: Logan's Story

Published On
23 Jun, 2023
Read Time
6 minutes

Logan Brown, UK

"Finding out you are pregnant can bring a lot of different emotions, but finding out you're pregnant as a Transgender male makes everything ten times more overwhelming. It was a very confusing time for me, firstly because I never considered myself having children and secondly because I was so worried about what the world would think of me.

It's not the 'normal' everyday thing to see a man pregnant, and I was really worried about how this would make me feel in my body. Turns out it wasn't that bad in the end!

The truth is, I ended up rocking the bump look and realised that it was quite incredible that I could live as my true, authentic self and raise my own biological child. And now I have a beautiful daughter, Nova!

So, the first trimester. I'm not going to lie; it was the hardest part of my whole pregnancy journey! The whole thing of not being able to tell people around you until you're 12 weeks pregnant is quite bizarre and isolating.

It's that moment where you're waiting for everything to be okay, wanting to know that the baby is developing well, worried if anything happens to them, and yet you almost feel like you have no one to talk to about the challenges you're facing because you're eagerly waiting until after the 12-week mark.

Not to mention dealing with morning sickness and your body doing lots of work to grow a tiny, incredible human being!

I think it's good to tell people who you want to know in the early stages, it's so important to have people around you to support you while you're in those 12 weeks, and I'd highly recommend it.

The second trimester, for me personally, became a lot easier, my body was changing but I was adapting, and my bump was definitely growing, that's for sure! Despite my pregnancy symptoms becoming easier to manage, there was always this feeling of loneliness. I had no resources or anyone to really turn to who was in a similar situation to me.

Born in the wrong body, transitioning to fit in the right body and then falling pregnant and trying to navigate all of that and normalise it for myself. I felt like I reached a milestone in my second trimester, but I just became too eager and agitated. I was ready to meet my baby, and as for the heartburn? It's a big no from me!

Then, the third trimester came around and I started to feel like I was at the end of the road, but those last few months felt like they dragged on forever! The sleepless nights and people telling me 'Oh, your body is just waking up in the middle of the night to prepare for when the baby is here. You won't get any sleep then!'.

Logan featured in Glamour UK

I learnt that I needed to look after myself and rest up whenever I could, and I'd advise any pregnant person to do nice things for themselves. Nap when you want to, use your nice face masks, and take long baths... you're literally growing a human!

When I got to 37 weeks, I started to feel very heavy, my body completely changed. I felt a drop, my back was in pain constantly and I felt like a robot just trying to get through the day. Luckily, I was able to finish work earlier than I was supposed to.

I'd always told myself 'This is my body, I know my own body' and we'd planned to have this wonderful water birth, and I was quite against the thought of being induced and wanted to go into labour naturally. But as time went on, I couldn't do it any longer.

My doctor told me that my baby's growth had slowed and suggested that I be induced, she then examined me and noticed that I'd already started to dilate and was in early labour!

In that moment I agreed that this was something I wanted to do. I was struggling to cope with the pain and because I have ADHD, I was way too overstimulated and just wanted the birth to be over as soon as possible.

I realised that I didn't need to feel bad about having an induction because it was what was right for me at the time. You can plan and prepare all you want but when you're in a critical moment, you just need to do what's right for you and trust your own decisions.

Overall, I was in the hospital for a week.

I was being induced for three days, with my waters slowly breaking on the third day, then I was taken down to the labour ward and started on a hormone drip to help me get into a more active labour which started at 7 pm.

I didn't have my daughter until the next day at 9:30 am. I went from the hormone drip to more drugs and then an epidural. It got to a point where my body couldn't take the contractions anymore and my baby was getting distressed, so I had to go in for an emergency C-section.

Finally, out came my little girl! It was the best, most incredible feeling in the world and let me tell you, it was all worth it!

After Nova was born, I couldn't do a lot and was pretty much bed bound. We both had an infection due to my waters being broken for 24 hours, and my partner was having to take the lead, which was hard initially, but I knew it was just part of the process.

We had to stay in hospital for a few more days and by the end of it, I was so ready to be discharged! Luckily, we had lots of support in the hospital and learnt so much from all the midwives.

When we arrived home, it was like a whole new world I'd never experienced before.

As soon as you become a parent you can't just do things for yourself anymore, you need to keep in mind that you need to be there for a little baby too.

You can't just leave the house, it's like packing for a holiday every time! Making sure you have bottles, nappies, change of clothes, you really do get thrown in the deep end!

Then came the 'baby blues'. I could not stop crying and there were times when I thought that I wasn't good enough and that I would do a bad job, and these feelings lasted for about three days.

We asked my mum to come over and she helped clean the house, did the feeds, and helped in any way she could just so we could have a nap or organise the house a little. I know now how important it is to accept the help! It's really needed and by no means makes you weak. You're only human and your little one needs you, so you really need to look after yourself.

As the days went by I was sleep deprived from the night feeds, but something clicked and I thought to myself, 'My life doesn't have to stop', sure it's going to be a lot different, but I can continue to do some of the things we loved doing before we became parents - going out for food, for walks, attending events, and meeting up with friends!

Logan, his partner, and baby Nova at Pride | @loganecbrown

I braved it one day and got on the bus to my mum's house, just me and Nova. It may not seem like much, but it was a BIG deal as it was my first time going out with her on my own. I felt so vulnerable and like it was a huge responsibility to make sure she was safe.

But we did it then! And we did it again! We went for food in restaurants, to parks, out shopping, and to baby sensory groups. We even recently went and watched my partner perform at Pride. Baby Nova loved it and was absolutely fine.

I now know that she will be fine in most situations and that actually, we're doing a great job.

The truth is, we all are as parents.

There really is no rule book or 'perfect' guide on how to be a parent, you just instinctively know what to do after a while, and I'm so proud of us for pulling through and coming out the other end.

This isn't to say it's going to stay okay forever; I know that life is full of ups and downs and I'm sure we've got it all to come!

But the truth is, nothing can you prepare you for parenthood. My story is not at all how I imagined it to be, but I promise you that you will get through it, and you will be an amazing parent. It's truly all worth it when you're having that big cuddle from your child at the end of the day!".